Review: Transporter 2 (2005)

The plot:  A driver (Jason Statham) becomes personally involved in thwarting a kidnapping attempt when the target is the eight-year-old son of his employer. Turns out the baddie’s plot is a lot more nefarious than it first seems: using the child as a viral plant to infect his globally connected bazillionaire father. The diseased businessman will then breathe on everyone at an international conference in Miami, wiping out a room full of suits–the ultimate Legionnaire’s Disease. Somehow this will benefit a Columbian drug dealer; if they explained why, by that point I’d shut off my brain and was just content to watch the explosions and shiny cars racing around.

My thoughts:

  • I know a movie like this isn’t supposed to be believable but Transporter 2 is absolutely ridiculous. Granted, no one’s watching it for the clever plot and scintillating dialog, but still. There’s escapism and then there’s stupid.
  • If you think the dialog is bad, the acting is even worse.
  • The soundtrack really screams video game, which is appropriate since it feels like you’re watching a big-screen video game. The film’s equivalent of cut scenes (the dramatic storytelling bits in between the game play action) are just wasted space, killing time until the next action sequence and padding the film to a decent run time.
  • I couldn’t help thinking that the little boy’s mother (Amber Valletta) looked like Dooce.
  • Alessandro Gassman didn’t make a particularly interesting bad guy.
  • The wardrobe budget for his girlfriend and number-one assassin Lola (I didn’t know she had a name until I looked it up on IMDB) was probably twenty bucks. When she’s not naked, she’s wearing underwear, stiletto ribbon-tied shoes, and a gun holster.
  • The action sequences aren’t particularly original. The best one involves the hero fighting a gang of tough guys using a wall-mounted firehouse to disable them all.
  • I’d give Transporter 2 1.5 out of 5 vials of pretty purple antidote.

2 thoughts on “Review: Transporter 2 (2005)

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