Home Sweet Home Once Removed

You can use two or three Daleyisms in context. (When Richie does it, it’s funny in an aw shucks kinda way. When George does it, it’s pitiful.)

You can imitate the Mayor’s whine.

You say Chicawgo and not Chicaago. (Uh, yah.)

You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun. (Yeah, right…when hell freezes over. However, this season I did become a rabid Cubs fan, so I suppose anything is possible.)

Da is a proper definite article. (Na.)

You expect corruption in local politics. (Absolutely. Isn’t it everywhere?)

You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you. (No, not me.)

You’ve been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates. (Speeding, yes. Caught, not yet.)

You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom. (This is a hilarious practice which luckily I’ve never had to participate in. Thank God for the garage!)

You know why they call it “the Windy City.” (Indeed, I do. But I’ll never tell.)

You know dead people who voted.

You understand the Democratic machine and don’t fight against it.

You’ve never ever considered the idea of hiring non-union laborers.

You’ve never been to Springfield. (Yikes, this is true, and I’ve been meaning to go for ten years! I want to rub Lincoln’s nose!)

You know a good gyros joint. (A mere few blocks away, my friends.)

You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati’s, and Gino’s have in common. (Yes, but I prefer Carmen’s.)

You know when the last time the Cubs won a pennant. (Don’t…even…get….me…started!)

You know exactly how many cars are “legally” allowed to turn left after the light turns red.

You don’t know which ethnic “fest” to choose on any given Summer weekend.

Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea). (Ha ha, so true.)

You can recite many of “The Blues Brothers” lines and know where they filmed certain scenes. (Many of them are gone now!)

You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another “city tax.”

The “Living Room” is called the “front room” (Really? Now that one I didn’t know.)

You don’t pronounce the “s” at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do. (Well, duh.)

You measure distance in minutes (especially “from the city”). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away

You refer to anything South of I-80 as “Southern Illinois” (Yeah, and?)

You refer to Lake Michigan as “The Lake” (Yes.)

You refer to Chicago as “The City” (I do.)

“The Super Bowl” refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986 (Pass)

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers! (Pass again.)

You buy “The Trib” (No, no, no. The only paper to read in this city is the NYTimes. If you read the Trib, you’re reading the NYTimes, just 2-4 days later.)

You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car! (And in April, 48 degrees is cause to get out the shorts and t-shirts!)

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog (Yes!! The more neon green the better!)

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is (Yes!!)

You understand what “lake-effect” means. (Gotta love that lake effect–“cooler by the lake” in the summer and beautiful lake effect movie-set snow in the winter.)

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the “L”. (All hail wonderful, wonderful public transportation!)

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815

You respond to the question “Where are you from” with a side” example:”WEST SIDE”, “SOUTH SIDE” or “NORTHSIDE.”

You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet! (Sing along with me now: 588-2300-EMPIRE!)

You wear gym shoes, not sneakers. (Nah, I wear tennis shoes.)

Your favorite melody to hum is “Bang,Bang,Bang-Skeet,Skeet,Skeet!!!!” (I have no idea what this is. Anyone?)

You faithfully attended Lil Louis parties at The Bismarck. (Wait…what?)

You GOT to have spaghetti at your barbecue. (Wait…what?)

You are STILL a Bulls fan…….. (Never was, never will be. Really.)

You think kicking it outside of White Castles parking lot, (79th and Stony Island) is the “Freak Nik” (Again with the Wait…what?)

You go to Harold`s and order 4 pc wing, mild sauce, salt and pepper.

You have a picture of Harold Washington in your kitchen, living room, family room or basement.

You have ever waited in line at Home of the Hoagy on 111th for 30-45 minutes for a steak samich wit cheese. (Never heard of it.)

You have ever been to the Tiki Room lounge in Hyde Park

You have made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett’s caramel and cheese popcorn. (Not quite, but if I’m passing by while downtown, it’s very hard not to beeline in there.)

What!!! We don`t get a Fifty? Oh yeah….

You drink at bars called “Bud on Tap” or “Milwaukee’s Best” — no names, just beer signs out front.

It’s January and you see someone’s kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you’re a responsible citizen and bring it back to the sidewalk you will be shot on sight

You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there (While I don’t do this, I’ve worked with many lazy people who’ve driven to get lunch six blocks away.)

You don’t flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45-minute car ride on the highway

When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is “So, tell me something I don’t know.”

You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate. (Indeed, their reputation is known far and wide!)

You’ve paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one “street cleaning” ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker — and chalk it all up to “neighborhood taxes.”

You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: “I’m going to Jewels”; “I bought it at Targets”; “I couldn’t find parking at Wal-Marts” (Sorry, but Wait…what???)

You’ve taken the Red Line past the point where all white people get off and all black people get on — or vice versa.

You’ve cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path.

You know the significance of State and Madison. (0′ 0′)

You wonder if the fries will taste the same at Sammy Sosa’s Restaurant.

You don’t miss Planet Hollywood. (And I wouldn’t miss Rainforest Cafe either.)

You’re not ashamed of wearing a big fur Russian hat, or a headsock with one hole in it, in public from November through March. (Come know, it’s not that bad!)

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Chicago. (Well, I posted it here, didn’t I?)